Doogie Howser

Remember Doogie Howser, M.D.? I sure do. Sometimes I feel like Doogie. Like right now, when I am typing on my blog. Other than the whole child prodigy thing, we are exactly alike.

On that note, it's time to get personal. I am doing my ICU rotation right now. It is hard. Really hard. The hours aren't so bad. Q 4 call isn't so fun, but other than that most days I am home before 5. The work itself is exhausting though. All of our patients are unstable and I feel like every decision I have to make could be the one to tip them over the edge. From day 1 of this rotation, I'm on day 6 now, I have been nothing but anxious. Anxious about misdiagnosing, ordering the wrong medications, or performing a procedure incorrectly. I really can't remember a time in my life when I have been this anxious and afraid. I think a lot of it stems from a lack of experience. I am hopeful that as I gain more experience this month I will become more confident. Having patients die within hours of admission to the ICU is also rough. That has happened several times and it is heartbreaking. After working a 30 hour shift the other day, I had to tell a mom that her son was not going to survive. As she collapsed in tears, I almost broke down too. All I could do was hug her and tell her how sorry I was. Besides the pain of knowing someone has just lost somebody important to them, the fear that a mistake was made in the patient's management is overwhelming. It is so important to go over every detail of care of a patient to identify any mistakes that were made in order to not make the same error again. Unfortunately, by the time someone comes to the ICU, the prognosis is often so poor that little can be done to improve survival. This is so frustrating.

Last night Jon and I went to our couple's Bible study and it was such a relaxing and refreshing time. Spending the time worshiping God through fellowship and music was rejuvenating. I have been praying that God will calm my anxiety and give me wisdom and good judgement to take care of my patients. The Lord has been faithful to me and provided me with just that through our small group last night. Today was a good day and I am actually excited about being on call tomorrow.

"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

- Philippians 1:3-6

I hope everyone has a blessed week!